Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another. ―Divergent (2014)


in-0ceans:

harmonychan:

xrebelwithoutacause:

iamladyloki:

archetypalboner:

kvothetheraving:

i’m so glad about this

okay so especially in the two towers, any time legolas is not the focus of a shot, particularly in Helm’s Deep, he makes the greatest faces

like this one especially

image

i’m calling it Background Legolas and i want it to become a thing now

image

This is the best post. omg.

I thought all these were bloopers but oh my god they’re not. 

Omg the gif, I am dying

Omg


faramihr:

the hobbit: desolation of smaug + scenery


"You should thank me for helping you." I grit my teeth. "Thank you? You almost stabbed my ear, and you spent the entire time taunting me. Why should I thank you?” “You know, I’m getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!” He glares at me, and even when he glares, his eyes look thoughtful. Their shade of blue is peculiar, so dark it is almost black, with a small patch of lighter blue on the left iris, right next to the corner of his eye. “Catch on? Catch on to what? That you wanted to prove to Eric how tough you are? That you’re sadistic, just like he is?” “I am not sadistic.” He doesn’t yell. I wish he would yell. It would scare me less. He leans his face close to mine, which reminds me of lying inches away from the attack dog’s fangs in the aptitude test, and says, "If I wanted to hurt you, don’t you think I would have already?" He crosses the room and slams the point of a knife so hard into the table that it sticks there, handle toward the ceiling. “I—” I start to shout, but he’s already gone. I scream, frustrated, and wipe some of the blood from my ear.


fystargleeksil:

nosdrinker:

baimbaie:

captainspensaurus:

the fact that there’s only about 5000 people who’ve reblogged this scares me. That means that less that 5000 people know where these come from.

I feel old…

very odd

literally every person on earth has read the very hungry caterpillar

I live in Israel and I have read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”… well, I lived most of my infancy adn childhood in Wisconsin, but still…

I very much loved reading and listening to the adventures of the “Raupe Nimmersatt” (that’s the German version) when I was a child.


theheadtheheartthetardis:

Why is it so hard for some people to understand that I like doing things alone.  I like being by myself.  I like quiet, rainy afternoons where I do nothing but watch movies and enjoy being alone.  When I want company, I go out and find it.  When I need companionship, I know who I can count on.  I don’t need to go out all the time or be with people every second of every day.  I like being by myself.


benedictatorship:

espikvlt:

kloperslegend:

connorratliff:

Game Of Thrones gets auto-tuned and it’s goddamned delightful.

I am fucking jumping up and down and nearly crying this is so cool

hoooooooooooly shiiiiiiiiiiit

This is awesome

also, if you’ve never seen GOT this is worth watching, not spoilery and might persuade you to watch the full thing…


howibloggedyourmother:

this is the greatest blooper